Dummies' Guide To CATS Romance!
by JestaAriadne
Summary: ...So just how DID Maccy and Old D. find true, true love?


DUMMIES' GUIDE TO WRITING A CATS ROMANCE FANFIC

by JestaAriadne

A/N: Hehe... not exactly highly original. A parody of some bad romance stuff - not that I've actually seen a huge amount around lately (but then *sob* there hasn't been anywhere near enough new fanfic appearing at all, ANYWAY!)

Erm..... there's no excuse for this, it's just WEIRD.

Step One: The hero and heroine.

For preference, these should be: Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer, Munkustrap and Demeter, Mistoffelees and anyone (Tugger's not a bad idea...!)... 

Also, if you wish to include yourself in a fanfic, now's the ideal time! Just give yourself a twenty syllable name, unexplainable powers to challenge the gods themselves, beauty that will immediately make you the envy of... well, everyone... and you're all set to be Misto's perfect mate!! (For more info on this wonderful idea, see my publication "The Guide to DIY Jellicle Mary-Sue")

You know, do something highly original. Don't use any WEIRD characters like Cassandra unless you make them evil... [*salutes Cass fic writers - You rock!*]

Alternatively, go for something a little different and pair Macavity and Old D.

Step Two: The Start

Always, always start using only "he" or "she". Then dramatically reveal the names after a couple paragraphs of beautiful description just mysterious enough to keep your reader guessing.

Oh, and ALWAYS concentrate on these features:

The EYES

The HAIR (or the FUR... whatever)

The VOICE

The SLENDER WAIST

Always expand on your theme with lots and lots of adjectives! (preferably ones that mean exactly the same thing as each other.)

Sentence fragments only work if you use at least ten of them per paragraph. And they should be limited to a couple words. Otherwise, forget about it.

Use repetition. Use repetition. Use LOTS of repetition!!! It helps get your point across!!!!

The most important punctuation is the exclamation mark (!!) Usually to be used in groups of about ten. Other punctuation doesn't really matter much

And remember: you can never use too many similes!!! Especially ones that relate the colour of someone's fur to their personality.

Here is an example:

He couldn't get those eyes out of his head. [He'd tried everything; knives, flaming pokers, spoons... but no... hehe.] With one fiery glance like fierce fires burning, those blazing eyes burnt right through his soul like a hot knife through butter. The fur, too, was like fire. Red. Red. Red. Red. Always so very RED. There was something untamed, wild, unfettered, unlimited. Wild. Wild. Wild. So wild. And so red. So wild and red. So red and wild. Like a fire. A raging, wild, red fire beyond control. It was burning up his soul.

And the eyes!

The eyes of a killer? No... surely not!

But - he was!!

But he also had a softer side, like his fur; so very red and wild but also nice and soft.

Was he really a monster? Of depravity? Or a fiend? In feline shape?

All this and more, but he was so damned HOT!

With his red fur. His wild emotions. The heart that Old Deuteronomy just hoped someday he could tame..

....Macavity.

Old Deuteronomy loved Macavity.

And it was tearing him up inside.

See? You've got atmosphere, you've got the main characters established, a nice helping of angst, mystery and confusion - and not forgetting the purely physical side of all love. (i.e. at least one of the pair must be stunningly attractive. If the other is less than supermodel standard, they should not be described very much except in vague angsts about their looks as a "beauty & the beast" relationship develops.)

Step Three : The Emotions, the Action, and the Conclusion

There are two main things to consider here: Angst and Fluff. Both must come by the bucketload in any successful romance fic. The angst must be very angsty, possibly to the point of considering suicide over love (usually by jumping in front of a car, although- sure, cats can use guns and razors too...)

The other important thing is that BOTH CHARACTERS SHOULD BE FEELING EXACTLY THE SAME MAD LOVE FOR EACH OTHER!!!

Preferably, there should be a couple sentences on each one, separated by ~`;;^:*~}{~*:^;;`~ or something equally pretty. Make them angst about each other for a bit, and then bring them together and let the lavishly described love-making begin! [*Old D and Macavity??? euuuuugh..... Not even I'm brave enough to parody that in much detail!!*]

Oh, and if you know you're REALLY good, you could attempt a slightly more sophisticated plot arc - in which they meet up, fall in love, HAVE A FIGHT!!! and then make up and live yay happily ever after.

Allow me to exemplify:

Classic Scenario:

He knew it was wrong.

But he had no choice.

Love doesn't give choices.

Love tears you up inside, like a sharp razor ready to tear you up inside. Also, like a sword that could also be used to tear someone up inside. Or like a gun that also tears you up inside.

Like the gun lying on the table before Old Deuteronomy.

~~~

Even the darkest night could afford him no respite. His very dreams were haunted with the most haunting nightmares. 

He knew only one way to relieve his anguish.

Only one cat could save him.

Only one could make sure he didn't lose himself forever to the eternal torment in his brain that lasts for ever and threatened to engulf him eternally.

But that one............... was Old Deuteronomy.

And that one................. could never love Macavity.

With a heart as heavy as the leaden weight that beat like a fatalistic drum in his thorax, Macavity approached his escape.

The door......

The way out.......

The gun, lying on the table.....

The only way to end a lifetime of unrequited love.......

~~~~

And they.... both.... reached.... for.... the.... gun....

~~~

Their paws met across the table, for indeed it was the same table; that very table which both Old Deuteronomy and Macavity were reaching across was that very table with the gun on it.

"Macavity!" gasped Old Deuteronomy.

"Old Deuteronomy!" gasped Macavity.

And then their tears flowed like great sorrowful waterfalls on their fur.

For now they realised that they were both about to kill themselves when they loved each other all along. Twas not a spoken thing, twas just a sort of mind-to-mind thing, like in Star Trek, and twas truly cool. Twas love at first sight, even though they had seen each other many times before and already loved each other.

"I - I love you," said Macavity. _I always have loved you........ you are my sun, my moon, my starlit sky and I cannot live without you!_

"I love you," said Old Deuteronomy. And then he began to sing. "_Love me tender, love me sweet, all my dreams fulfil, for my darling, I love you, and I always will."_

His sweet voice melted Macavity's stone cold heart all over again. Macavity's heart, once so cold and stony, was melted at last.

They were free.

They were free.

They....... were....... FREEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

*T*H*E* * *E*N*D*

As you can see, this story is complete and perfect in itself and needs no alterations.

I hope this has been of use to you aspiring romance writers, and I look forward to reading your efforts, pitiable though they may be, at equaling this truly epic tale of love and death and love that I have just recounted.

~~~~~~

LOL, ok, all done :) That's the craziness out of my system for a bit anyway.

Oh, and I just realised I forgot to put a disclaimer on this thing... and I pinched a couple other things along the way: so....

I don't own CATS, any characters... I don't own Chicago ("We both reached for the gun", anyone?) and I don't own Willow or Madmartigan's wonderful line ("You are my moon, my sun, my starlit sky...." LOL!! Watch that movie!!! It's SO funny!) and I don't own "Love Me Tender" - which Elvis apparently stole anyway - from a hymn tune, and he never credited it. Interesting.


End file.
